A Different Normal.

Change. I will openly admit that I do not do well with change. Change in any aspect of my life is hard. For example, growing up I didn’t like changing grades. I also hated changing from elementary school to the middle school, the middle school to the high school, and high school to college. I like routine and I like what I am use too. But in life sometimes changes come that you can’t expect.

One change that I never saw coming was having a sister with a brain tumor. I will never forget February 2, 2005. It started as a normal day. I got up went to school, at that time I was in the 7’th grade. Everyone in our house had been sick (with so many siblings once someone gets something, everyone is going to get it) and Mary still wasn’t feeling well. My mom was suppose to volunteering in Mark’s class so my Auntie Sue offered to watch Mary. They thought that if Mary went over she may be happy to see Joseph (our cousin who is the same age as Mary). But being at their house didn’t make her feel better and when my Aunt to get her to walk, she couldn’t without falling over. For the second time that week my mom brought her to the doctor’s office. The doctor took one look at Mary trying to walk and called 911 from the office. My Dad rushed us home the pizza he picked up for us and went to meet Mom, Mary, and Molly (who was then one month old). Dad went with Mary to South Shore Hospital and Mom came home with Molly (the doctors didn’t want Molly in the ER since she was so little). My mom remained calm and told us that Mary might be dehydrated and that she would be fine. At 10 pm. the phone rang. Lindsey, Jessica, Mark, and I were all in Mark’s room laying in bed. We were all pretty scared about what was happening and just wanted to be together. Suddenly we heard Mom scream “NOOOO, OH MY GOD. NO!” I ran down the stairs repeatedly saying “What is wrong Mom? What is wrong Mom? What is wrong Mom?” My mom’s answer- “Mary has a mass in her head.” I ran up the stairs crying and collapsed in my parent’s bed.

From that day forward everything about our live’s changed. We developed a “new normal”. No matter what, we will never go back to the pre-brain tumor diagnosis family that we were. Cancer changes everything. It doesn’t make our family weird or depressed or anything like that, it is just that our lives are different now. Our world was opened to experiences that changes people individually and as a family unit.

I often wonder what our life would be like if Mary never got sick. What would our family be like? Would we be different people and a different family unit? What if Mary was sick but still alive? What would our family be like then?  What would Mary be like? What would Mary and Molly’s relationship be? So many questions that I will never have the answers to.

What did this new normal cause?

A family that loves each other no matter what. I know that this isn’t because of Mary getting sick, but because our family has made it this far through everything, I think it just proves that we really love each other! Don’t get me wrong- we are not the perfect family! We, like every family, have our moments! But even when I get angry or fight with one of my siblings I know that it has nothing to do with how much I love them and that I would do anything and everything for them.

It causes fears. Mikey complains that his head hurts and it equals the thought of “oh my god what if it’s a tumor.”

It has allows us to appreciate the little things- while Mary was sick I would just simply sit with her. We sit on my bed and talk. I would enjoy taking in the little, quiet moments with her. Those are the moments I remember most. Now I enjoy simply watch Molly and Mikey play and enjoy listening to their little voices talking.

It has allowed us to make some of the best memories- we did so many things as a family because of Mary’s illness. We went out trips, we had fun and memorable times in the hospital and home together. We cherished our time with her, and now cherish making memories with Molly and Michael. We all will go above and beyond for them. We want them to have fun and awesome childhood and we all want to be part of it, part of those memories.

I has caused me to have anxiety over missing things- it is something I am working on. When Mary first passed away I couldn’t miss anything that a member of our family did- any game, any concert, any little thing. I wanted to be there for all of it. Although now I can handle missing things, I still often come home in the middle of the school week to attend something. I will travel to watch Mark play in a rugby game. I will go home early tomorrow to say goodbye to Jessica as she leaves for Europe. I will cancel plans to watch Molly in her Christmas Concert or Michael in his kindergarten play. Because every little moment with one of my siblings is a big moment- I know what it is like to run out of time with one.

Our new normal changed a lot of things. Some positive, some negative.  But this “new normal” doesn’t feel so new anymore. It is just life. It is part of our family, it is part of me.

It’s a different normal.

“Don’t be sad, Mary’s here!”- Mary Katherine Conroy